I was enjoying the sunshine during my lunchbreak today while Rep. Anthony Weiner was giving his press conference. I happened to stop into Diva Dolls (my favorite Seattle store) and in a rush of euphoric glee I quickly found a lovely vintage inspired clutch and pearl cocktail ring. Ignoring the low balance in my checking account due to making a hefty credit card payment, I placed the items on the counter and continued to browse for more purchases. Suddenly I felt a pang of guilt and realized I had no business buying these things. I do not have the cash on hand and adding credit card debt will not help me meet my bigger goals. So I chatted with the shopowner a little more and then walked back to my office empty handed but fortunately not in the hole.
I got back to my cube and caught up with news I missed over the hour and was sad to learn that when faced with a decision to engage in risky/sexy behavior, Anthony Weiner did not show similar restraint. This got me thinking about all the problems the penises of world leaders have caused recently, DSK, Newt Gingrich, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards . . .and I was able to come up with a few tips. Also, for the sake of ease, these tips apply to consensual and non-consensual encounters!
- We don't want to see your penis. Let me clarify, no one outside of the person with whom you share a consensual, loving relationship wants to see your penis. If you fancy yourself the irresistably charismatic type and cannot imagine not showing your penis, just remember not to display your package to the following people and you should avoid most problems: twitter followers, interns, minors, people you've known less than a day, people you employ and if you're married, anyone who is not your spouse.
- Consider the risk/reward payoff of showing your penis. This is especially important for elected officials and financiers. We trust you guys to make complex decisions about our national budget, money supply, interest rates, trade policy etc. All of this requires a basic understanding of risk and return. For those of you who are economists, see Harry Markowitz. For everyone else, see Common Sense. Showing your penis assumes an incredible amount of risk. While historical returns do not always match present results, please note that many powerful men before you got into serious trouble for showing their penises, and they didn't have to worry about 24-hour news networks, Twitter and text messaging! As for the return, aside from the few moments enjoyed while getting your jollies, have you received a return that is commensurate with the level of risk you've assumed? The only one that may be "winning" here is John Edwards who got a baby out of the deal, but that poor baby has John Edwards for a father and quasi-reformed cokehead for a mother.
- If you can't be faithful, don't get married. If you are married and can't stay faithful, respect your wife enough to seek a divorce. I don't think I need to say much else here except a quick note to the family values types that think divorce is wrong. What do you think illegitimate children, underage girls, hookers, sexting, adultery and forced sexual acts do for your family values image?
- No one has ever regretted having too few pictures of their penis circulating through the internet. I should clarify, people who are willingly employed in sex industry may regret not having enough pictures of their penis online. Outside of willing, consenting sex-workers though, no rational person wants pictures of their penis online.
- Be a man. If you've ignored my advice and find yourself in the midst of a scandal involving showing your penis, be a man and fess up. Do not try to cover it up or use vague language that almost sounds like a confession. You got yourself in trouble for showing your penis, now it is time to accept blame and show that you're a man.